11th Excerpt of Ellory, a fiction novel
Ellen Effy Su. August 26, 2025
“I had something taken from me that I can never get back.”
Ellory stared at her neatly painted cerulean toenails without looking up.
“You mean your virginity?”
Elliot looked at her disheveled hair while entwining her fingers through it.
“No, I mean, my childhood. I don't think my father deserved to be a parent. I agree with my maternal grandma. My mother should never have married my father. I wish Grandma loved me the way she loved her grandson.”
“Your family is sexist? I didn't know that.”
“I thought if I became more like my Grandmother, she would be capable of loving me as her family. I forced myself to excel at school, piano, tennis, and dance because I wanted to impress her. I met her as a six-year-old child, vulnerable and lonely in her giant, luxurious house, desiring her affection, compassion, and care. I saw her glamorous photographs, and I thought she would be like the sweet, doting grandfather in “The Parent Trap”. My mother painted my grandmother as Mother Teresa. I learned it was a lie. My entire family is putting up a well-oiled facade.”
“Why did you care about her opinion?”
“Because I thought she was a good mother to my mother. I expected her to be the same with me. I never knew she was a sexist and elitist woman, burdened with pain, and I expected her to maintain the false pretense of the saintly grandmother.”
“Did she say something to show her sexism?”
“She said a lot in two months. Her husband expected her to produce a baby boy. They were severely disappointed to see a girl as their firstborn. Grandma's second child was a boy. She achieved my Grandpa's expectations. She hoped for a son in her third pregnancy but was displeased to produce another girl: my mom. My mom had a brutal upbringing. She lied to me, telling me how beautiful her childhood was. I found out the cold, bitter truth after living at my Grandmother's home for two months as a six-year-old.
Her husband passed away when I was five, so she had no family nearby to talk to. She used me as a sieve to drain away her unhappiness. She said she saw a great deal of herself in me. She said I knew what to do to get ahead in life. She watched me practice for hours on end, learning how to become a skilled person, to earn her respect. She expected me to be like her, unaffected by loss, grief, love, and to focus on the main goal of making more money. Building up her legacy was meaningful to her. Nothing else mattered. I tried to be like her, but in the end, I have tofu skin and a tofu heart. Easily piercable despite my initial charm. The walls fall down easily because I never had a strong foundation of love. I am someone who craved affection yet never received it from my family. The only person capable of nurturing me was my sister. I loved Sfera more than my mother, which made my mother resentful of her husband’s daughter. Sfera bridged the gap of mothering for me. My mom never learned to be soft toward her child. She grew resentful, similar to my grandmother. I began to see my grandmother’s worst personality traits embodied in my mother. I grew to tolerate my mother, but I disliked my family for not supporting me the way I needed to be uplifted. I didn’t get to see a psychiatrist due to my mother worrying that other people would find out. I missed out on the childhood I dreamed of.”
“Ella, many people missed out on the childhood they dreamed of. The family you create is more important than the family you came from. You can be a good mother one day. You can give your kids the life you hoped for. You can provide the safety net you lacked. You need to love yourself enough to believe that you can achieve your dreams. You are extraordinary. I don’t know why you can’t see that. Intellect matters more than physical beauty. Beauty can be manufactured, sold, traded, and is no longer a unique commodity. People shit on those they have no idea about out of jealousy, hatred, dislike, and boredom. Anyone who is genuinely happy with his or her life does not sit around saying hateful things. For example, I never understood why white people colonized most of the world, thinking they were the superior race. I was angry that I came from colonizer and East Asian roots. I didn’t understand why people could brutalize others in violent ways to loot antiques and create destruction to ruin millions of homes, out of hatred. I still don’t think anyone received compensation for the lives the colonizers destroyed, murdered, and set ablaze. There is no true justice in this world. Nothing could ever make it fair, just, or equal.”
“I wish I had a childhood like the joyous ones I read about in storybooks. I wanted to walk into a Hallmark small-town romance film and live their lives. I still desire a big, happy family to fill the void in me. I grew up in some ways. I feel like a baby some days. I speak like a philosopher sometimes, then I whine to ask my father for money because my ego cannot take working an entry-level job. I don’t want to work my way up from the bottom, but I have to. I need to push myself.”
“Dumb birds fly first. People aware of their weaknesses learn to work harder to get ahead. If you know you lack in someplace, learn to improve it. The ones who know their weaknesses and remain the same will stay in the same place.”
“I wanted someone to save me from my misery when I was young. Now, I think I am capable of being my own savior.”
“That is a good mindset. No one can give you what you want except yourself. Create the life you desire. Sometimes, you have to accept your ugliest flaws to become comfortable with yourself. You have to like yourself and take yourself seriously for other people to do the same. Your secrets are your greatest luxuries.”
“I’m a writer. I expose heinous things I’ve seen, experienced, and lived through by the art of words. I understand now. Empathy is trying to understand what someone else is going through. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone else. Pity is viewing someone as lesser than. Anger accumulates and dissipates over time. I like writing about the gritty taboo topics people shy away from.”
“You know my scar on my left calf? It’s from self-harm.”
“I didn’t know that you did it too. I guess we are pretty similar. When did you start and end?”
“I did it a few times when I was 15 until I was 17. I quit hurting myself before my 18th birthday. I promised myself I would become a good man, deserving of love.”
“Did you ever expect a pure, untainted, untouched, innocent, carefree girl to love you?”
“No, I can’t expect someone to have the attributes I lack. It would be irresponsible of me to want someone to be tainted by me.”
“I love you more, each and every day. You are lovable. If you can change my mind and win me over, you can do anything you dream of. I don’t ever let myself fall in love. I am always one foot in, the other foot ready to sprint.”
“No human in this world is carefree. It’s a front to hide behind. We all conceal. Nobody is perfect. I exaggerated when I said my parents are super in love. They are married and get along fine. They don’t fight, but they lack passion. I can give you stability. I will always try to be better for you. I can’t promise if it will be enough, but I do promise always to be patient.”
A Memory: The Conversation Between Ellory and Her Mother the Day Before Her Mother Purchased A 2-Bedroom Co-op for Her Future
“Why did you do it? Why did you give it up? Why did you give up your bags, clothes, shoes, your apartment, your homeland, for this? We are not living better than our family back home. We are not living well. We are suffering silently out of embarrassment. Mommy, how could you want a child when you knew you couldn't give your child the life they yearned for?”
“Because I believed I could. I'm sorry, this is the best I could do. I swear I tried. I married the wrong man. I wanted to achieve status without pursuing it myself. I made the wrong decision, but I always thought you were my jewel. I can sell anything and everything if it means I get to have you. I had a baby out of desperation, but I have spent half of my entire adult life trying to make it up to you. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted. I needed to escape from home. I wanted to create success for myself, and it was only possible by leaving Kuala Lumpur. I wanted freedom. I wanted out. Do you know the dreams I gave up to be your mother?”
“I didn't ask for you to sacrifice yourself. I don't want you to do it. I killed myself a thousand times over because I wanted to make you happy. I'm your child. I dreamed of being loved, nurtured, and accepted by you. I can impress anyone except my mother. I feel like a failure when I am near you.”
“Ellory, I love you because you are the better part of me. You are privileged, but you work for everything you have. Nothing was ever handed to you. Nobody else knows you grew up as Cinderella, doing every chore, acting like you needed to earn your keep. No one knows how guilty you felt to live on the 16th floor and pass by homeless men lying on the pavement. No one knows the food you leave behind for them to wake up to. You do it for a reason. You walk and clean all the damn time because it helps calm your mind. You like control. You're scared of anything you cannot control. You are like me, in more ways than you know.”
“Mama, I wish you had married for love and picked a good husband who stood by you. A husband who honored you, never cheated on you, and never drank himself away. I wish you had had the chance to discover yourself before you had me. I wish you had accomplished everything you dreamed of before giving birth. I'm sorry you thought your life ended with me.”
“Ella, you are the only reason I live. Your life did not end mine. It began my new life. Yes, it's different, and I had to work harder to achieve in New York what I had been given back home. I know I missed out on your childhood, but I did it for you to have everything attainable. We wouldn't be able to live here if I didn't kill my maternal side to breathe and live in the corporate world. Your father and I will never divorce because we are as broken as each other. Maybe it is the love we chose. Your dad knows he can always come home to me. I made a choice that I will stand by. This is the man I chose all those years ago, and I believe in forgiveness.”
“Aren't you angry that he is a disloyal and dishonest man?”
“Nobody is perfect. Your father is under a lot of stress.”
“I'm under stress. I would never let my children live like this.”
“You say that now, but you will think differently when you become a mother.”
“No, I would want my children to be happy at home, in life, and try to live by morals.”
“And yet, you chase paper to live your luxurious life.”
“Everyone chases paper. Mom, everyone needs more money. Nobody has enough to go around. It's why so many people are unhappy.”
“Well, you have more than the homeless man on Bowery.”
“Thank you for funding my life. I appreciate you chasing your ego and building yourself up and ignoring your child.”
“I didn't want to ignore you. I needed to because I had to focus on my career. I took 6 months off from work to have you, and my job was on the line. I took care of your needs. I made sure you were fed, clothed, and went to school. So, I wasn't around to ask you questions or comfort you. That's the way I grew up. I grew up with a few valuable monetary items. I couldn't be in three places at once. I made a choice. I expected you to make friends your age and spend time with them.”
“I wanted Sfera. I blamed Dad for her suicide when I was young. I resented my father each time he drank.”
“Sfera is gone. Your dad is the way he is. He is not going to change. You can change. You can let yourself be open to love. You should believe in love, even though I didn't have it. It exists in the world. Anything good can be yours. Believe. Have faith. Don't pick up a bottle when you cry. Let it out.”
“I wish you would talk to me when I needed it. I wish you had cared back then. Things could have been different. Your priority should have included me.”
“Would you be happier with less? Would the teenage you be happy if I couldn't buy you a new bag, shoes, clothes, or a new phone after your old phone shattered? Would you be happy if you couldn't swim at the club anymore? Would you be happy if you couldn't live here anymore? No, you would be devastated that you worked so hard in school for nothing if I didn’t work to maintain our lifestyle.”
“You're right. Bankruptcy would have ruined our family. I probably would have found a long scarf. I wanted you to try to make an effort on the rare occasions you were home. I wanted you to put the phone down when you were home. I wanted you to care about my feelings because I always took care of you and Dad. I made you breakfast every morning for fifteen years. I made your unlimited coffees, laid out Dad's clothes for him, picked up Dad's dirty clothes to wash in the machine, walked to the dry cleaners each Wednesday for Dad to have his pressed shirts on time, sliced fruit, oatmeal, and meals were entirely prepared and ready to go from the fridge because of my sacrifices. I was your assistant, cleaner, and caretaker. I deserved to be taken care of in my youth. I never got to walk to school with my singular friend Nicole because I was busy prepping your breakfasts for the week. I never got to enjoy my early childhood except for two weeks a year.”
“And that's how life is. I can't give you a life of leisure. I'm sorry. I wish I could give you an unlimited amount of money. We couldn't afford to hire a housekeeper on top of a seasonal cleaner. I couldn't afford to hire an assistant when you were young. I thought you liked helping me. I thought you did it out of care.”
“You used me for free labor. You never showed appreciation for all I did for you. I think some parents would be grateful their kid doesn't do drugs, but you held asinine expectations for your baby.”
“I apologize for not considering your desires. I thought it was better to let you know how the real world works. I didn't shelter you because you were too smart to be sheltered.”
“Mommy, I was a baby once. I wanted to go on the swing at the playground when I was seven. I wanted to spend time at the park. I wanted to rollerblade instead of training to be your daughter.”
“I thought you loved piano and dance.”
“I do, but part of me did it to please you. I thought it was what you wanted. I needed an outlet. Writing was mine.”
“Isn't that better? Isn't it better that I pushed you to become talented instead of ordinary? I wanted more for you. I wanted you to have what I didn't.”
“I wanted my mom to be here.”
“That would be impossible because we could only afford this place together, not singularly.”
“I didn’t feel loved when you were around. I felt like a burden.”
“You're not a burden. You are what I chose. I would choose you over and over again because you survived and chose to create beauty, not destruction. It's what draws you to fashion. You've always been different, light-years ahead, until the curve turned into a sphere. All gifted children become that way. We were all told we had to become extraordinary. We believed it. We killed ourselves chasing glory. It's better to be satisfied with what you have as you continue to work on your dream. I cannot give you a company to take over. I did my best to get you one step farther than my upbringing.”
“I can’t give you a different childhood, so you should create the childhood of your dreams for your next generation. You should love yourself to hope for a better outcome. Think positive, or you will drown. People overcome impossible things every day. They find a way to go on. You need to live for yourself. Even if I’m not around, you should know that I love you. I care about you more than anyone ever will. I want you to become the best version of yourself. I was never close to you because I disliked my mother. I worried that if I spent too much time with you, you would grow to dislike me. Therefore, I kept my distance from you. It was selfish, and I try to make it up to you. I'm gifting you a co-op on the East Side. It has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, an airy kitchen for you to cook, and I hope you create something beautiful. I thought of you every day when I was stuck in a meeting, standing in my office, and writing about things I don’t care about. I need you to know how much I cared.”
“Two avoidants fail to create symbiosis. I missed you, Mommy. I miss you when you’re here. I miss you when you’re gone. I dream of having a good relationship with my mother. I understand your pain, but I needed a kind mother, one capable of making wise decisions. I appreciate you gifting me an apartment. I want to feel joy. I’m a childlike adult because I was a mature child. I didn’t get to play back then, so I’m doing what makes me happy today.”
“Feeling like a child is on the inside, not on the outside. You want people to see you as a confident, smart young woman. You don’t want people to walk over you. You need to squash the timidness by building yourself up. You got this. You’ve always been on your own, Ellory. Be good at it. Be gracious and willing to chase your dreams. Work toward your goals. You don’t need anyone’s validation except yourself. Don’t criticize yourself unless you are actively changing your flaws.”
“Thank you. Is there blue wallpaper in the apartment?”
“No, but you can order it. Blue floral fabric will pair well with the light-toned wood floors. We can work together on altering the home to your taste. You get to show me your creative side,” she kissed Ellory’s right cheek.
Ellory was not accustomed to affection from her mother. It was a sign that the leaves were changing colors. Entire novels are scrapped once ideas differ. Ellory wanted to receive approval from her mother. This was a step toward winning her respect.